An ugly word

Rape. It's an ugly word... disturbing, infuriating, devastating. It claws at you, every minute, every second. Even when it's long over, years have passed, eternities even, every detail haunts you. What could I have done different. What if I'd dressed different, acted different, said something else, used a different word. It's a word that isn't spoken in decent company. When uttered even in the most private of moments.. it is hushed, a secret held close to the heart. The mere sound of the word can bring back every place he ever touched you, felt you, every motion he ever made. From the way you breathed to whether you understood what was even happening. The violence that the act evokes is not in the action itself, but in knowing that you are nothing more than an object. The scars it leaves are far more than the ones on the surface. Much more than the bruises on your body, much more than the hurt you feel on surface. The knowledge that you are not safe, you do not belong to yourself or that you have no power. The utter helplessness of the moment he lay on top of you, the knowledge that even with all your strength you could not fight him. No amount of telling yourself that it wasn't your fault will ever change the fact that it happened. Especially when the one who did it is someone you trusted with your life. There's no cure for rape, there isn't likely to be one, not for all those who suffer under the guise of "war", not for those who fight battles everyday at home. It's easy to blame the drink, the circumstance, the conditions on the ground... but its hard to take responsibility for it. Hard to own up and say that what you did was wrong, hard to believe that you could be that person. And harder yet to believe that it happened to you. Sometimes you just need to hold on to something, or you'd be swept away by the force of your own despondency. It is impossible to look at rape up close and be unaffected by it. It will change you. Forever.

Finding ... someone

Lets start this again. Like we never took a hiatus.
It's been two years since I wrote last. 2 years... seems like an eternity. I don't know what it is today. Strange, but I felt like it's been too long. I've gotten lost. Lost in this crazy humdrum that is everyday life. In the wake up-brush teeth-take shower-drive to work day. In the little things that slowly take over your life. The latest TV show you just downloaded. That kilo of fish that you just went out and bought. Who have we become in our quest for the simple things in life. I wonder if everyone feels the way we do. Maybe they do, but just don't write about it. Big dreams get replaced by smaller ones, the smaller ones by tinier ones, the tinier ones by the simplest of things. In school we wanted to rule the world, in college we wanted to be something, when we started working we wanted to stand out and now I just want to survive the workday. Someday not too far from now, my dream will become just to wake up in the morning. I'll become the embodiment of the mundane and the tepid. The same one that I feared terribly. My goal for the day will be just to get through the entire day without straining myself. I fear that maybe its already here. Maybe the biggest things in life aren't like a Hiroshima or a Nagasaki, there's no explosion, no massive cosmic event that erodes your belief and makes you wonder what the hell is happening. No, it's more like the slow erosion of a rock by the river. The ever flowing river just keeps going and going, eating away at everything you believe in, slowly wearing you down, until there's really nothing left of you, nothing but your bare soul, naked for everyone to see.. all your fears, your desires, everything you once were is washed away by that incessant flow. Slowly but surely, you're nothing but dust and particles at the bottom of the river.

Hachiko

From the title you know what this is about. I just watched this movie Hachiko, of course I cried like a baby througout it. Its such an emotional roller coaster.
Its a big deal "Loyalty" and never to forget people who love you. Always wait for their return. Even when it seems pointless to do so. When it feels beyond all logic and defies all sense of reason, sometimes you still wait for the ones you love or once loved to come back to you. More often than not, they dont. But you wait anyway. Hoping that one day they will. Whether you are separated by oceans or skies, you wait. Whether you were loved back equally or not, you wait. Such is unconditional love, with none of those tiny barters we each do to love the other, none of the accceptances we perform to adjust to other, just a blind love without expectation or burden. Pure unconditional love, that no one can dispute, no one can judge and no one can describe in words

Confusion reigns Supreme

Confusion is a bitch. Its the root of indecisiveness, and the worm that feeds off it. I'm always confused. I wish I could say I'm a strong self sufficient personality, but I'm really not. I'm confused at the decisions I need to make, especially the tough ones, whether to study or not, where to study if I should, whether this is right, whether that was right, how someone can love you and still leave you, how you can just let them go. How you can take something important for granted, there's always questions I guess. And the more the doubts the more the questions and the more the questions the more the doubt. And so on it continues in a vicios circle like a dog chasing his tail, like a wanderer in the desert who follows his own footsteps, thinking they're someone else's, hoping they'll lead him to water, safety, an oasis maybe. But just like the oasis is never to be found the questions never lead to answers until all that is left is self doubt, and all that was once good is lost in the darkness of that self doubt. I think that's where I am now. I have sudden realisations that he does love me, but then I wonder why. I know all the classic signs I exhibit. If I was outside of my body I would tell myself, its just the self esteem, the self worth that is lacking. I know that. And I know the root, or the roots of it. And I know it all. And I know the remedies too. But thats exactly the problem. I know the problem and I know the solution. Its like in a math test, when you come across a problem you've done before, and you know the answer. You just put the answer there and dont bother to work it out. Maybe that's wahts happening to me. Maybe I'm trying to just put the answer and not do the steps. When in truth, the steps ARE the answer. I am loved. I know I am loved. But I dont believe it.
I let these demons lie and fester and slowly they consume me. Because I look for the answer, not the solution. I suppose that's always been me. I suppose it was always easier that way, the easy way. X+Y must equal Z, forget about the actual addition.

nutcase

What's wrong? I dont know, something is. I just wish I could put my finger on it. Why am I acting this way? This is not who I am. I don't DO stuff like this. I dont go crazy if I'm alone for a week. I think I'm losing my mind!!! Not that that's new. I'm sure that something's bothering. And now I have a headache. I do think too much!! Ghod!!! Help!!!

Marriage.. Really??

Am I the only one who thinks its pointless? Or that people are rushing into it? Its not like I'm against committment. I don't think I'm against the concept of marriage either, its just that I guess there's too much to do before that. People think its time to "settle down". What does that even mean? "Settle Down"?? Are we all too restless? And if we are too restless, then how does marrying someone change that?
S thinks its because I'm from a broken home. Maybe it is a little. But this whole anti marriage thing is not exactly ANTI marriage. I guess I just think most people do it because they know they have to at some point so why not just do it and get it over with. Some guys reason saying that having kids later in life is difficult so lets get married and have kids early, parents say its to give you a sense of responsibility, or to help you have a home and a family of your own. All valid reasons I guess from their own points of view, but it just does not make sense to me. I mean, just because I have to die some time in the future doesnt mean I'll accelerate the process, or ok if that's too morbid an example how about, if you know you want to have kids at 30 you wouldnt get pregnant at 15 because, hell its going to happen eventually so why not get a head start.
People plan these things in the weirdest manner imaginable and for the weirdest reasons possible, I know this one guy who planned his marriage and his kids in a way that his Life Insurance payout coincides with his kid's going to college. And so that he could afford to get married at the "correct" time, he got his dad to foot the bill, because, well parents have to pay for their kid's marriage. Of course sweetie, why not.
Its a scary concept and I dont know if I'll ever truly be ready for it. Until I do I guess. I mean surprisingly enough I was swept away by one conversation and a promise of marriage, so much that I even asked an old flame to propose to me on top of the highest mountain on a trip we took together. Its strange I guess, the romance of it all. I guess I really do live in the land of fairies and goblins. Where nothing is ugly or dark or flawed. Its all just "perfect" in a sense. Where a simple heart -to-heart talk can sweep you off your feet, and a soft look and make you want to swoon. And a quiet question, barely asked; a simple "Will you?" can strip away all your fears, turning you inside out until you succumb and let yourself be carried away in the insanity of it all, never minding the eventual outcome, just remembering the wave that captured you and carried you into the promised land.

Between brownies and batman

The radio buzzes, the phone rings, disconnected thoughts racing through my mind. I see polka dots, pretty colours, what if this never ends, oh shit!!! oh fuck!!! I have work tomorrow, how the hell am I gonna get back!!! I have to cange three trains... you bastard!!! why the hell did you let me do this, wait... I wanted to do this!!! Fuck, it was my idea!! I'm so stupid!!!! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit

Is it me or is the music really weird, how long have I been asleep? Look at the clock.. there it is, read the time, wait. i cant read, 2:15 am.. what?? that cant be, I just checked 2 hours ago, it was 2:10 am... the clock"s broken... I gotta find my cell phone, where's the phone.. shit... how am I gonna get back?? I cant believe that stripper!!! Oh my god, she just picked up that fucking bill with her you-know-what.. did i dream that?? What are these guys watching?? God!! Is that batman and robin.. oh ya thats Dr Freeze isnt it?? Why doesnt anyone answer me?? Dont they hear me?? Wowie.. look at the pretty colours

3 hrs later on the train

Where am I? Are we there yet, tell me we didnt miss it!! That bastard's fucking with my brain.. i know he is, I know he's doing it on purpose!! Moron!! Why wont he tell me where we are!! What the hell!! I dont believe him.. we cant be lost, he's just fucking around.. I know it,

10 mins later .. "Wake up we gotta get off here girl"

I knew you were fucking with me. Trust you!!! god, with friends like you who needs enemies.. but you're sweet, so surprising too, so committed to that girl, even though you dont really admit it ... but you are, endearing to see a playboy plant roots, I have one back home like that, not exactly a playboy, but commitment phobic .. for a while .. good for me.. I am too .. I need to focus, focus focus focus

At the train station

Giggling, whats so funny, why the fuck am I giggling much, ohh the station(s moving!!! stop it!! stop moving .. cant stand straight.. i need to sit down .. moving with the station now.. see thats so much better .. she's staring at me!!! get your own brownie you perfect moron!! i hate these kind of women.. they're all so pretty and so so perfect!!! urgh!! disgusting!!! all of you, with your yoga is the language of god, and your so do you keep elephants as pets, idiots!! raising the bar for standards of ignorance, i know what busgirl said .. baba cool .. ya i agree .. they're all so baba cool .. but why wont the station stop spinning

Am I in love?? where did that come from.. who said that?? it was a guy I know, but who?? wait .. what ?? am i .. yes .. when i stop letting my brain talk i am .. i just gotta stop letting my brain run the show.. did u just ask me if I was love?? yes?? I didnt dream that!! ok this is getting creepy.. i gotta call S, he'll make it better, no wait he's sleeping, i cant call him now!!! i'll just wait till morning.. besides i called him already... i think.. yes i did, between the brownie and the sweet noodles ... wait when did we get to the batman place?? i dont remember any more