Confusion reigns Supreme

Confusion is a bitch. Its the root of indecisiveness, and the worm that feeds off it. I'm always confused. I wish I could say I'm a strong self sufficient personality, but I'm really not. I'm confused at the decisions I need to make, especially the tough ones, whether to study or not, where to study if I should, whether this is right, whether that was right, how someone can love you and still leave you, how you can just let them go. How you can take something important for granted, there's always questions I guess. And the more the doubts the more the questions and the more the questions the more the doubt. And so on it continues in a vicios circle like a dog chasing his tail, like a wanderer in the desert who follows his own footsteps, thinking they're someone else's, hoping they'll lead him to water, safety, an oasis maybe. But just like the oasis is never to be found the questions never lead to answers until all that is left is self doubt, and all that was once good is lost in the darkness of that self doubt. I think that's where I am now. I have sudden realisations that he does love me, but then I wonder why. I know all the classic signs I exhibit. If I was outside of my body I would tell myself, its just the self esteem, the self worth that is lacking. I know that. And I know the root, or the roots of it. And I know it all. And I know the remedies too. But thats exactly the problem. I know the problem and I know the solution. Its like in a math test, when you come across a problem you've done before, and you know the answer. You just put the answer there and dont bother to work it out. Maybe that's wahts happening to me. Maybe I'm trying to just put the answer and not do the steps. When in truth, the steps ARE the answer. I am loved. I know I am loved. But I dont believe it.
I let these demons lie and fester and slowly they consume me. Because I look for the answer, not the solution. I suppose that's always been me. I suppose it was always easier that way, the easy way. X+Y must equal Z, forget about the actual addition.

nutcase

What's wrong? I dont know, something is. I just wish I could put my finger on it. Why am I acting this way? This is not who I am. I don't DO stuff like this. I dont go crazy if I'm alone for a week. I think I'm losing my mind!!! Not that that's new. I'm sure that something's bothering. And now I have a headache. I do think too much!! Ghod!!! Help!!!